Warning: Attached picture contains one vulgar word (in an inspirational way).
It really felt good to reread my post from last night: writing that post and throwing it into the Internet abyss feels like the start to a new path. Rereading it confirmed that feeling.
When I was applying for graduate school, my major worry became that I would deviate from my art further than I already have. I feel a creative spring in me welling up again though as I think of a different future… I can’t help but wonder if my friends, family, etc think I’m ridiculous with the way I spring back and forth with my whims (I know they do, rather)! I hope that habit changes with age.
My depressive fog has definitely cleared up. It’s been a rough few years, but the last few months have been downright awful, emotionally speaking. Perhaps that was a signal that I was moving on the wrong path, despite my excitement and ambition (and then again, maybe I’m just trying to justify my ‘failure’). Either way, I’m excited for what’s to come.
It also raises the question of what I would do if I did receive school funding as a trickle down means… well… I guess we’ll see. So here’s some future advice for myself in case that should happen.
- Dear future Payton, If you should have a sudden offer that makes you question your future, remember this: you are excited for a relaxed return to America. You want to have a ‘lazy’ living of volunteering, socializing, and creating. You want to hop on Greyhounds and go to places in the USA you’ve never seen before. You want to take time to make Coby feel special. You want to complain of the hot summer heat, and mostly avoid cold winters. You want to prepare for something you’ve wanted to do for a few years too. A big job offer from abroad, or a financial offer from school can take those things away. Make sure you can have what makes you happy, too. Love, past Payton
Anyway, here’s a short list of things I miss doing, things that I plan to do in the coming year:
- Be active
- Go for walks!
- Go swimming
- Ride my bike
- Maybe go kayaking
- Take classes:
- Michael’s classes for baking, I’m looking at you
- It’d be fun to take a sushi making class
- Yoga classes
- Arts organizations
- Animal shelters
- Education/ Youth
- This is ambitious, but I really want to have a few chickens
- It’d be nice to garden, although a little difficult since I don’t know where I’m living
- If anything, I really want to find a way to learn a thing or two about constructing small buildings, etc. I know basic carpentry skills. Perhaps it would be a way to make a chicken coop. Or a tiny house. You know, everything.
- My own projects
- Helping my friends with their projects
And finally, here’s a crappy little cardboard sign I made for myself years ago after a breakup, and my dad’s death. I read something online that talked about making only definite decisions: fuck yes, fuck no, but no fuck maybes. Looks like past Payton is looking out for me 😉